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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Stay With Me

I'm quick to words
and my actions seem tough
don't think that i'm a super hero
becos I need you to stay with me

I could fly to rome,
catch a train to paris
and stretch out on a cruise to the carribean
but everywhere would be empty
'cos I need you to stay with me

When it's that time of the month
and my hormones make me hot & cold
as the days roll by and
I'm a different woman from who you
fell in love with, don't walk away
Please stay with me

In my dreams you're my white knight
and I'm a damsel who loves you so
but as my eyes kiss the morning sun
and you look just like a regular 'Man U' fan
I smile at the tricks reality & dreams
sometimes play,
but my heart is
always glad to know
that u & I are staying together.

Thank you 'Man U'!!!!!!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Hidden Demons

I tink of myself as a very down to earth person,calm, with a good sense of humour and a great love for the outdoors. I tink I can pass for a cool person but recently I saw some other me that I thot I had control over. I've always known my anger can get out of control especially wen I have been surpressing some issues and then wen I cant file anymore shit I simply and literally explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I file away things that people don't want to address, there comes a faithful day that I explode. I have tried to school myself to deal with it better but on some occassions- WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! its like I say 'Flame On'( like the fire guy in fantastic 4) and I feel the fear in the next person. People whohaven't seen me really upset ask me if I ever get angry and when I tell them that's something they should pray not to see, they tink its a joke. Its sad that I've tried and really tried to keep it out of my life but, it springs up and I cant hold myself. It feels like my heart is about to pop out of me and runaway from fear of getting cooked.

My question is how do you hide your demon and keep it out of sight PERMANENTLY? I hate myself an hour after I burn, its a spirit of disappointment cos I let it take over me. I dont want to be avoided like a plague cos they wonder wen the volcanoe is going to blow!! If there are tips or good answers to killing my august visiting demon, pls tell me (and that is besides dying as a good solution) respond ASAP!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Long Battle of the Genders

I am so furious right now!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like putting all dominating and egotisticly, irritating, foolishily disgusting male pro ifidfhi. Who ever said because you have a d*^k means you are better than a woman, I mean please!!!!!!! I used to think it was people that were not educated that had such a complex but I know in my life i have seen even the most educated of men display a high level of stupidity because he feels that women should be submissive and regard themselves as a level just above hired helpers at home.

I love men and this is not a general anger to all men but a high percentage of men small, tall, fat, slim,educated and uneducated alike feel the God given right to them is to be OBEYED and UNDEFILED. My anger is with some complete mongrels this morning in the bus on my way to work (please i'm bubbling like lava and my anger is erupting through my uncontrolable abusive language). the driver was waiting for a lady who was trying to make her way to the junction and meet the bus, but then some guy was shouting 'why she they waka like say she no get leg. Abeg leave am jare!!' And i simply said, 'she is pregnant, just wait' and then the mongrel said is she the first? Can't she run?' I shouted and told him to try getting pregnant and run and then omo!! check raking from the men, sth we for rack for bus.!! They were shouting 'don't talk to a man like that, he is a man'. I vexed and we were shouting and some men were on my side when they saw she was pregnant but the skunk kept shouting 'she no de look face'. Bottomline the lady got to us and begged us to stop and blamed herself for asking us to wait.

Its bad I lost my temper but why was he and 2 other men being so inconsiderate and uncaring? And that squrriel that was shouting 'he is a man' oh! i wished my thots could inflict harm. Even when a woman has power or in a position to assist a man you need to dock for cover unless you get a verbal or physical punch. It doesn't matter who is the weaker or stronger sex but pls let's call a spade a spade and not a lip gloss. A lady earning more than her partner is sometimes emotionally abused or called power drunk and domineering. She finds a job for her partner- now she thinks he owes her. A housewife calling to ask when her husband is coming home and then she is monitoring him. There are endless list of situations where fire and brimstone justify the reason why men emotionally and physically put down a woman. Struggle for independence and liberation from this societal ill has lead to a few women being bitter, angry, withdrawn or even violent just to get emancipation. Though to be fair there are a couple of the ladies who are an itch.
What makes a man be like this? Why is truth supposed to be silent when coming from a woman? Why has there been no explanation or solution to this battle? Did they have a secret men's seminar or workshop to educate them on insatiable quest for power? And most importantly - Who died and made them leader of the 2 genders?
Don't even try the biblical side to the story cos you will see a mad black woman in your face.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

does love still exist?

A close friend of mine asked that question this morning while we were chatting and I quickly replied 'Yes!!'. When a person asks that question in my opinion it almost means they are doubting its existence. I believe in it now 'cos i am in it. Truly in it!!! But as the hours passed I thot of the question and a time when I didn't believe in it or at least thot it happens but will pass me by. I figured I would be always be on a bench with 5 oda pple and every1 gets touched by it but i'm the lone ranger left sitting. My theory was 'Nothing lasts forever', so if couples can't grow past their anger, quarrels and other negative aspects, then my theory is proved right and so therefore love don't exist. Silly i presume, but i will take cover by saying I was young and as I got older I wanted to know that feeling but feared it cos of stories that had painful,heart wrenching and bitter endings.

Man U (real name not given to protect the innocent) is the rthymn my heart beats for, it wasn't an easy journey to get to where we are and believe me when i say rough roads to love but the point is I stayed and He stayed not becos we couldn't leave but I think it was that small voice. If you stay quiet you'll hear it and she (the voice) told me this time was different from the other times I did my impulsive break ups.
Love can be onesided and that is a deep knife in the heart that is - loving someone who can't love you back. If death was a healing vacation spot, you'ld opt for that than spend another moment swimming in a ocean with no sign of land. It's hard to understand you can want to offer someone your world and more and they either refuse (with persistence) not to accept your offer or they in an act of mercy accept but in the long run crush your heart with their bare hands.

I think its honorable to not toy with someones heart and I also recommend to drag ur goodwill intentions with you when a person refuses your pledge of love, IF NOT YOU HAVE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME. Love exists, it really does but you have to be able to read the signs so you dont suspend yourself in a space continium of wishful love. The law of love by ME is some people will find love quickly, a few others will search a bit harder to find their missing rib, a couple of people will fall into a shitty relationship but if they can get themselves out of it and are not too broken to be positive they will find someone and sadly there are people who may not find it because they do not compromise, nor accept friendship or tolerate a little less than their dreams. The bottom line is to stay positive, cos love is for everyone and I believe it. It requires patience, self honesty, being positive, prayers and more patience. Rmbr- just my thots!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Music therapy

I love music. There is a kind of comfort, truth, consolation and clarity that different songs give me. I think I am a pessimist so that’s why I hear sanity with slow and sad songs; they seem to give me answers, especially when it comes to love. I mean check Babyface – seven seas and What if. Destiny’s child – through with love (I had an almost similar relationship). U2- One. Cutting crew- I just died in ur arms. The Corrs- One night. Madonna-You must love me. Macy Gray – Still, sweet baby. Nick Cave and Kylie Minogue – Wild rose. Sheryl Crow-strong enough. AND SO MUCH MORE. There are the few gospel songs I can listen to Kirk Franklin-Something about the Name Jesus. Don Moen – More of you. Beyonce in Fighting Temptation – he still loves me (That makes me Cry).

It’s the words in songs and the right beat, rhythm that can make my heart race and then my brain picks the message and I get mushy washy and pathetically tearful. Sometimes some songs are misleading though; let’s get this straight but if you got a level head you can tell a good message from crap. I wonder is it possible that music is self therapy written by artists who sacrifice their lives for research. I’ll explain this- it’s either their relationships crumble cause they need material for their songs or is it possible that the wheels of happy ending never spins happiness for them. They help listeners and fans through different emotions and can’t find therapy in their own words of encouragement, risk, love and reality.

Honestly, why is love sooooo complicated? I wonder what I would do without my therapy and therapist, who is always there for me. I wonder how other people get through the hell of life ON THEIR OWN without waiting for an appointment with a shrink or loosing their temper.?