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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Is it a culture ?

What say YOU!!

a) Child before marriage b) Pregnant before/during marriage c) Marriage and the n pregnancy.

I have been thinking of this for a while now ( especially wen I tried buying yam yesterday...lol i'll explain below) and I have come to the conclusion that somehow in our heads and our heart we have absorbed this as one of our culture and I find something wrong with it. My post won't be long but I would like to get ur take on the matter.
I have noticed that B is d fast growing trend among our people and I wonder if some people like me can survive if we refuse to follow the standard set by a number of couples and society?Thank God I ain't got dat pressure! I see C as my answer any day,any time cos being pregnant shouldn't be a pre-requisite for tying the knot. Some people say "What if you marry her and den u find out she can't take in? Den we wld av married a man into our family" or de say "She is delaying to giv us a child" and so feel justified to put pressure on d couple to do sth by either making sly remarks, suggesting a new woman to support the man since the MAN he married won't do something or make cruel jokes ( an example of one is {THIS IS A TRUE CONVERSATION}
Husband's Aunty- "Sarah how r u? How are ur parents? How is Bingo?"
Sarah - Aunty everyone is fine. But aunty why r u asking about Bingo?
Husband's Aunty - " Why won't I ask about Bingo, wen u av not given us a child to ask about den I av to ask about d one we can see"

My point is God is the giver of dese bundle of blessings and also people should plan for children. The cost of living is unbeliveable now adays see me, see trouble oh..... I wanted to cook dinner for me & Man utd so I decided i'll cook vegetable stew with smoked fish and boiled yam, as I got to d mallam dat sells yam and pointed at one tubar he said "N700, madam" I asked him to repeat and he actually did. I turned round without a word cursing him under my breath and walked to buy 4 miserable fingers of plantain for N200 and boiled it instead. Wen got home, I sat in d parlor and drifted into starting a family and d present cost of living. (Dis tin pain me cos na dis season yam de sweet well, well ).
Starting a family needs some planning which includes saving a considerable amount. My colleague said to register for ante-natal she paid N50,000=, this so called classes she doesn't attend cos of work and now she wanted to pay for delivery and all and d hospital said N150,000k. (which we have to also consider the hospital) I told my colleague "oh baby!!!! u no go consider to born for house?" . We all laffed but is it really funny?. How long does it take to plan a wedding, recover from d expense, get preggers, d expense of d event, go back to work, raise ur kid, run d home, av d next kid and continue the cycle again?
Why do we let society pressure us into things dat we aint ready for(financially)? When should couples have d "raising a family" talk? etc.

I would like ur views and ur selection (A, B, or C)?

Have a lovely week dears - mwah!!!!

40 comments:

Flourishing Florida said...

Am totally 4 C!!! & so is MM. wen u really look @ it, it's tough 4 a couple, just after spending so much 4 wedding, move straight into child-birth, another very expensive venture! it doesn't give d couple time to recover 4rm all dat spending.

another reason y am 4 C, & purely selfish, is cos everybody tells me how my body will change. how i'd get fat & my clothes would no longer fit, not 2 mention all the frightening stories of labour & pregnancy n general. Is that what i will rushing to enter? ha, pls o. d more months of grace i can get, d better. like i just bought some clothes, i'd hate 2 have 2 cast dem away without totally & completely rocking them!

Flourishing Florida said...

on weda it's a culture, i'd say dat n a way it is. cos many pple have been suspecting me of pregnancy eva since i announced my engagement. & not a single one of dem say it n a negative way! it's like 'it's normal, so wetin now ...'

O'Dee said...

Babe, this is some deep sturves. A lot of times couples are pressured into having a baby.

Its left for the couple to talk about when they want 2 have a baby n take d expenses involved into consideration.

Rabbi & I have analyzed the cost of anti-natal, c-section, birth... and as u narrated, it is quiet expensive.

May God teach us. amen.

NikkiSab said...

Truely FFF if u say u aint de look at u like u r a bad person. LOL!! at not wanting to get big, but it doesnt really happen. My sis put to bed recently and u shd see her. She said is not to eat everytin in sight during n after d baby.

O.dee - I get you on d cost tin.Dere is so much to consider and Why do u wanna try c-section? Just asking though, so share pls.

thanks guys.

Unknown said...

Ideally it should be C. But sometimes a pregnancy isn't planned. It just happens in spite of one's plans.

One should never feel pressured to get married or have children. I know the culture can be pressurizing and even oppressive when it comes to it. But I've done things my way and according to my circumstances. It's my life and no one else's. I'm accountable to God only.

ShonaVixen said...

as Naijalines stated that ideally its C, and I would say C HOWEVER, pregnancies happen..I dont support gun-shot marriages, just because there's a baby on the way, as much as this might please society, its not healthy, and most of these people nowadays end up divorcing. Kids are an expense and proper planning is needed. As we'd all want to give the kids the best that we can, and so i feel sometimes instead of listening to the jibber-jabber of those not in the relationship, a couple should decide to have a family when they can afford it..i think...
sorry about that yam o..lol..

Anonymous said...

okay ideally it should be c, but y r we complaining aboout societal pressures when we no the outcome of sex is preggers, its just dat some use it to their advantage or stroke their manly? ego.

Anonymous said...

C is the option for me. And I'm 29 so only God knows when I will meet a man, fall in love with him (and vice versa!) and get married. All you can do is your best and pray for the rest: I have always kept up with my medical checkups to make sure everything is ok so when the time comes I will be on my knees to God that I and my spouse will be blessed with children.

I cannot imagine someone wanting to get me pregnant prior to marriage in order to make sure I can bear children...but maybe I'm just naive.

Lindah said...

It is a definite C for me. No babies before marriage. God Bless.

isha said...

Hmm, I think A & B are fast becoming a cultural fad simply because that's what all the celebrities are doing? It's sad but true. Gone are the days when it was an abomination to have a child out of wedlock, the child would be called a bastard. Now the world is desensitized to all that, and we just let it slide.

C is most definitely the way to go for me. Maybe even wait for a little bit after I get married sef. I heard that in one of the cultures, the man and wife are required to make a baby after the engagement to the sure that the woman can take in. What then happens if she doesn't?

My mum is a trained nurse, mid-wife and family planning guru. Once upon a time I swore she won't have anything to do with bringing my kids to this world. But now that y'all are talking about costs and all that, she is sooooo hired men.

Afrobabe said...

I would take c anyday but given the fact that we are "chopping" anyone that comes is fine with me oh...

As for the cost of living I think its in God's hands..we will eat what we can afford oh, same with hospitals...you dont have to give birth in a private hospital...

QMoney said...

Hmmm,its been a minute!!
ideally,it should be C,cos A comes with confusion and all of dat but i have ALL dis fears u talked about half d time.............
and my beau is OBSESSED abt having an american baby,i am sooo not complaining but is d money there conveniently like dat?its about(if not over) 1million naira(hospital bill only) and shebi someone willl not starve dat u came to born abroad!!
like oluwadee said,may God teach us oh cos the thing pass me well well.
e go beta

princesa said...

I prefer C but would love to get preggers immediately after marriage sha(By God’s grace, Amen,lol!)

That yam gist was funny o but babe you no say na old yam now and e sabi cost well well. Soon new yam go soon come out and it will be lots cheaper. Meanwhile plantain and vegetable stew with smoked fish dey hungry me o,lol! Whats that ur address, maybe I’ll block this night. Ewwh!! Am supposed to be on a diet, princesa hold ur throat!

The financial implications na im dey make young bobos fear to propose these days,lol!

@afro, it must be a private hospital for me o! I no trust all this them Naija general hospitals rara unless it is abroad, ehen!

wellsbaba said...

alot of peeps are using B as a tool but dey dont know it doesnt owrk or it backfires.....a guy dat truly luvs u will marry you if u tie him die wit pregnancy then u r plantin infidelity into ur own home...I go wit C.....sista I dey feel ur pain oo,we hav one crazy culture lyk dat,imediately afta marraige naw kids we dey xpect which is not compulsory!!!

badderchic said...

boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy pregnants girl and they live happily ever after, where is yam 700naira? thank god Im on a diet!

NikkiSab said...

Naijalines - Yea I know sometimes we could av dat one dat scores a goal, but my point is wen it is delibrate to either rope d man in or wen d inlaws want hard core evidence of ur fertility b4 de welcome u into dia family. Like i said it happens SOMETIMES O!! lol

Shonavixen - Thank u my sister, dat yam pain me..lol. Planning is important in any and every stage of life.

anon - Yep!!Sex could lead to preggers n it cld also not. If u gonna do it use a condom.Abi!!lol!!! But society want dia new wives to b round so de confirm d lady can perform, makes me wonder wat happened to love.?

Good9jagal-Darlin u aint naive at all. Don't worry d man is closer dan u tink and I see u both will b happy. Just inform me wen tins happen o!

Lindah - I'm happy u r a C. How u been gal?

Isha - LOL!!! call ur mom o, so she will help u, cos d matter serious. My mom is a former nurse she must b present.

Afro - Sister..we de 9ja o!! Some of d General hospitals here r not it. But truely we go chop wetin we see, how man go do.

Qmoney - Amen!! Really to deliver in US should cost like dat o!! But i will support u in d prayer to born there so u will buy me baby clothes.

Princessa - I second u on d private hospital o my sister. LOL!!!But d vegetable is healthy and if u chop unripe plantain e beta pass ripe. Wen nx i de cook i go hail u.heheh...

WellsB - Brother, na so o!!! I've seen some of d B situation dat turned out well and also some dat didn't. Life!!!

Badderchic - Pls na dat Anthony village o. Abi is it cheaper in ur area? lol

adoolicious said...

well, i would actually go for C, but some situations lead to the other options especially A; causes- accidents(condom break, etc), requirement for the old and ageing. but the whole ideaology behind conception in a marraige is a continuous perspective whereby the couple, has to mature to the level, that ok enough of us, now lets have another company with us, to spice us up or to share our joy and take the responsibility God designed our marraige to be.

In the case of wherby it doesnt turn out as planned and the kiddies never come around; then who are these relations to question God's plan. let me not go far on this issue....i can explode, abi them think say person create herself, if so, with their powers why dont get the girl pregnant their selves, instead of finding more women for the poor guy's troubled head, which he faces at work, on the street, with friends...etc.
i tell you, na wetin God decide go be.

peace, am out

LG said...

i ll go for C and leave God to take care of the rest , cos he will.

how bodi?

NikkiSab said...

adoo - no mind people who nag for tins de dont av power ova...hehehe!!!

Lg- I de o!! Wats happening on ur end?

Zayzee said...

C is the right way to go. although a lot of us chicks trap a guy into marriage by swallowing, it isn't the best.
unfortunately, some families expect it off any girl that will marry their son.
there was the case of an ex colleague who dated a guy for over ten years before they got married. and the reason they waited that long was because his family was waiting for her to take in. immediately she got pregnant, they took drinks to her family. it is pure nonsense. the sole purpose of marriage shouldn't be children. it is companionship. children are added blessings.

Woomie O! said...

All options are plausible...what about another option:
D)Marriage and then no child ???

it's not easy to plan these things...let the powers that be be.

Look at it, it doesn't matter jare, as long as there is a marriage and a child somewhere...and then there's happiness...we can arrange it anyhow we like.

Ok..cutting out the crap, i think i'll pick C, B or A.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Just checking in on you... Hope all is well.


NIGERIAN CURIOSITY
IT WAS SO MUCH EASIER WHEN I ONLY HAD ONE...

'Yar Mama said...

We always assume that it is the womans 'fault' if a couple cannot conceive. Many a times it is the guy shooting blanks. The success of African marriages rest on their procreation prowess instead of the relationship btw two people.

wellsbaba said...

sister saw ur comment on ma blog,miss u o jare...lol...mak we4get al dis 1 sey kids aint xpectd imediatly afta marriage,me I dey expect junior frm u oo I won bcom uncle naw!....lol

Aphrodite said...

It's C for me o but then you never know. If my folks do not want to accept my guy, i may just do B so they wont have any choice o,lol...

No mind me, a coz of mine just pulled that stunt/ her dad was aginst her choice of husband co she was'nt catholic. They had to give in when she took in.

kay-shawn said...

C is definitely the best option. In Africa we all follow this vicious cycle, we are born, go to school, get a job, get married, have children who will continue the same cycle. Then we wonder why we are still underdeveloped.

Parakeet said...

Naturally C is the right and better option but we do know that some couples get careless and have the baby before marriage. I would like to judge every case by its merit. I dont support getting married simply becos the couple were not bright enough to use protection which then resulted in a hitherto unwanted pregnancy. I am not a supporter of abortion either so I'd say keep the baby and work out means of funding childcare and arranging play time. Some people who deliberately have babies outside of wedlock may do so because they do not wish to wed. I for one support this if the people involved want babies but not marriage at the moment and are committed to sharing their lives together to bring up the kids.

As for families who breath down the wife's neck for not having a baby, well I wish God will slap their rotten mouth for them. I recently heard the story of a man who got tired of his family taunting his wife for not falling pregnant and he decided to take the blame for himself. Soon the family felt sorry for putting the woman through hell and they thanked her for staying with their son. 6 months after the abuses stopped she fell pregnant and they now have 18 months old twins. Sometimes stress from the family is enough to put the baby at bay. People need to stop acting so ignorant.

aloted said...

hmm first time here and i am so feeling this post..and you..lol

C is my answer anytime anyday and i refused to be pressured otherwise...i stand on the word of the lord and he says no one shall be barren in the land so i dont have to test anything.

and i totally agree with taking time to plan a family...inlaws and parents will be demanding for a child are they the ones that will drop money to feed the child? my two cents is if you are not prepared financially dont irresponsbily bring another human being into the world.

nice post! let me go read some more!!!

ibiluv said...

C for me anyday.......

in fact everyone that knows me knows i alwayz say........i aiint getting preggers till i have enjoyed the fact i am married to this man and i can do *anything* without having to bother about being sick or a baby crying or whatever and this period of enjoyment is from 6months to a yr.......

some dude i know agreed to a 2yr deal with his wife and he says he doesnt regret that decision.........even though after 6 months his mom stopped talking to him!!!!!!!!!!

anyone that feels i aiint fertile can go and impregnate his mother!!!!!!!!!!

and yes o
yam, is so freaking expensive!!!!!!!!!!!

Joy Akut said...

i'd go with c, i want to experience the wholesomeness of 'just the two of us' for a year at the least before having a child, but who knows.

the state of the economy can get one depressed,if we who are somewhat privileged are complaing, how much more will the others say? God help us.

being a yam lover myself, you have awaken some cravings in me, fried yam here i come.lol

went to your wedding site, you've got a couple of benue chics on your train.

aloted said...

just saw fqueen's comment- pls may i see ur wedding site if u dont mind. :)
thanks!

Duchess said...

am soo in for C...cant imagine me with a big belly on my wedding day...so wat now happens to the dancing and all that i promised mysef on that day...no way o....am totally for C

Anonymous said...

There is no right or wrong option/answer. It all depends on your circumstances/ stage in life when you meet "him". If in ur late 30's, answer might be different due to the loud ticking of biological clock. If one plans to postpone pregnancy till they are financially stable, it may never happen. Children are gifts from God and the HE always provides the means to care for them. It might be rough, but you get through it.

As for loosing your figure, that will happen regardless of child bearing - it's called "middle age"!

In any event, you learn to love your new body. Also, nth prevents u from maintaining old figure. Go on a diet and hit the gym!!!

I have 3 beautiful children (15, 13 & 11) and I can't imagine my life without them. I should add that I still look good!!

Lastly, never say never. The best laid plans don't always go as planned. Our God works in mysterious ways (sometimes to humble us).

badderchic said...

UPDATE PLEASE!

NikkiSab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
NikkiSab said...

My people thank u o!!
I aint afraid of my body changing, I look forward to adding some weight n looking different i'm tired of being slim. lol!!!! My tots r on d financial aspect, cos I wish n wantmy kids to av a really lovely life (i NO GO THIEF FOR DEM O...HEHEHEH!!)
Thank u ever1 for ur comments. I appreciate them esp from Iruka who I av to tell u really looks gr8 after 3 kids.

Duchess said...

Aunty Nikki....have finished my assignment o...submitted it on my blog...waiting for your approval ma. thank you ma

rethots said...

...C, no comment.

Thirty + said...

Just reading this now and can;t help but smile at your suggestion for the woman to have her baby at home.

Just wondering, are there still general hospitals (free) in Nigeria or does everyone have to pay for delivery and stuff like that. I am just trying to imagine a tomato seller's plight in getting preggers and all.

Femme said...

i understand this post perfectly. when i announced i was getting married (in a hurry),no one believed i wasn't pregnant, and nobody said it negatively.
my cousin got married some months after i did and announced soon after she was due in 4months(she really wasn't showing).
next thing i know im getting the 'you dey dere dey claim marriage' speech which i think is just plain hilarious.
i don't think its that much of a big deal if pregnancy comes first esp if the couple already planned to but it seems like people actually prefer that the woman be 'fertile' first before 'buying the cow'.
i always say to each his own.